


staccato of noise

by joshwrites



Category: Holy Trinity (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-28 01:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2714015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshwrites/pseuds/joshwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grace has some issues but Hannah is there for her, always. Because that’s what love is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	staccato of noise

**Author's Note:**

> kudos would be lovely!

“Just get the fuck out!”  
  
And Hannah does get the fuck out, she hurriedly exits the apartment and lets Grace slam the door behind her. The door rattles loudly, reminding her that she’d have to check the hinges again before the door falls off completely.   
  
She’s learned that it’s better sometimes to just let it pass, to let Grace calm down and stabilise on her own, and trying to “solve” it, trying to get Grace to understand that she’s not making sense, sometimes only makes it worse and makes it last longer.

It hurts, still. It used to hurt because she didn’t understand why Grace would get so angry at her over nothing, she didn’t deserve being yelled at, she didn’t deserve being pushed away or ignored. She used to think that Grace was just living up to her robotic act or just being a plain bitch. Or that it was her own fault that Grace was so unhappy.

Now it hurts because it’s out of her control. It’s out of Grace’s control too. They can manage it ― pills and charts and monitors and therapy ― but they can’t make it simply stop. Hannah understands now that Grace isn’t doing this to her, or to their relationship. It’s something being done to Grace, and Hannah can’t make it stop, and that hurts more than anything.

Hannah lingers on the pavement outside, she doesn’t actually leave the premises though. She knows she’s not supposed to leave Grace alone. Shortly after the diagnosis, she left once to get some groceries, and she came back to find Grace unresponsive on the floor. She had to stay in the hospital for eight days after that, she sat vigil at her bedside, clutching her cold hand in her own and whispering promises into her skin that she’d never leave her alone again and that she loved her. So much. Hannah doesn’t leave her alone anymore. She kept her promise.

Hannah paces for a moment before whipping out her phone. She has an app that lets her monitor Grace’s heart rate and blood pressure. It used to communicate with a bracelet sensor, but Grace once tore it off in a fit of agitation, and Hannah nearly had a heart attack herself. Now there’s one surgically implanted. If the readings drop slowly, it means Grace is calming down, and it might be safe for her to come back inside. If it drops suddenly and severely, it means Hannah needs to get inside as fast as she can.

It’s still high, so Hannah waits. She keeps pacing until it comes down to still somewhat above normal, but stable. Then she cautiously opens the door and steps inside. “Grace…?”  
  
“Hannah?”  
  
Hannah finds her sitting on the bathroom floor, knees pulled to her chest. She’s still crying, just slightly, but mainly she looks confused.  
  
“Did I yell at you again?”   
  
Her voice sounds so small and it breaks Hannah’s heart every time she hears it.  
  
Hannah nods, “but it’s okay,” she says, her voice soft. She crouches down and puts her hands on Grace’s knees, her eyes searching for the drowning brown that refuse to look up at her.

"It’s not okay," Grace replies.  
  
It’s not okay for her to take it out on Hannah; it’s not okay for her to force her out of the house. She can’t even remember. She just figures she must have, because she can remember feeling hot with rage and Hannah not being there.

"It is. It’s okay." Then Hannah envelopes her, she has to move Grace over slightly to do so, but Grace lets her without complaint. Other times it can be as simple as an action as trying to give her a hand up ― Grace’s balance isn’t the best these days ― and she gets snapped at for "treating me like an invalid, for fucks sake."

Grace holds her back, and Hannah can feel her shaking a little. Her t-shirt gets a little wet where Grace has buried her face now, slow intakes of breath as she tries to calm herself down. Hannah can see one of Grace’s “Memos To Me” ― lists Grace makes to remind herself of things later ― clutched tightly in one of her hands.

"Can I see that?" She asks gently.   
  
Hannah likes to use them to monitor what Grace may or may not know at any point in time. She also throws away ones with out-dated information to help minimise Grace’s confusion. Grace pulls her face out from where it’s hiding, wipes it, and nods. She hands the note to Hannah without a word.

Memo to me:  
  
  **It’s not Hannah’s fault**. Buy your own damn chips. You’ve been out for four days and you get mad at Hannah if she gets it for you.  **It’s not Hannah’s fault.**  You did the laundry on Tuesday. Your notebooks are in the second drawer of your desk. It’s okay for Hannah to be in charge of your medication. You said it was.  **It’s not Hannah’s fault.**

"What time is it?" Grace asks, her voice rasping slightly.  
  
“Around four,” Hannah says.  
  
She sees Grace glance around the obviously sunny room to confirm that Hannah means 4:00 PM instead of 4:00 AM. She clearly doesn’t remember most of the day.

Hannah isn’t spiritual in the least, but she can’t help wondering at the ironic balance of things. Grace is so smart. So incredibly smart and creative and driven. She had plans. Big plans. Things that would take and shape the future, not just for her but for everyone. A new movement. She was going to be involved in such big things and now… now her mind is being taken away from her. Bit by bit, it’s being chipped away. She had so much potential and now… now she’s just going nowhere. Grace is too young for this to be happening to her. She wasn’t given enough time. They weren’t given enough time.

Beyond the immense confusion evident, Grace looks scared. It’s frightening, having something like this happening to you, and more so to not be able to understand it. Hannah can’t think of anything to say, so she just holds her tighter. She’s scared too. This thing is taking Grace, in trickles, bit by bit, and at any moment it could take her entirely. Grace could just collapse, set off the alarm on Hannah’s phone app, and it would all be over.

Hannah doesn’t want it to be over. She doesn’t even allow herself to think about what life would be like without Grace in it, because there just wouldn’t be one. Grace is a part of her now. Grace isn’t just her girlfriend anymore, she’s a part of her whole being. She loves Grace so much and she doesn’t tell her nearly enough. She needs to, because one day she won’t be able to anymore. But as much as they’re suffering now she has to still have hope.   
  
Because sometimes Grace is still just Grace, and Hannah loves her, and Grace loves her right back.


End file.
